The Longings of Seedless Watermelons
Melon cholling for HELP!
Knives make excellent tools for pedestrian meals (and, I suppose, are also very nice hostess gifts.) But there’s really no substitute for a four foot long Katana, dripping in the juices of one’s enemy. And when we’re celebrating the birth of the great American nation, substitutes don’t cut it.
Most people don’t know why they feel compelled to eat watermelon on the fourth of July. In fact*, this gustatory tradition harkens back to the revolutionary war. Most history books teach that the Americans fought side by side with the French as their primary ally, but obviously a lot of the dirty work was done by ninjas. These brave, never-seen-by-reputable-witnesses-warriors taught the American valuable guerrilla tactics against the traditional, honorable (read: lame) military employed by the British such as: how to sneak around in the forest instead of marching in large, easily aimed at blocks of men (read: targets) and how not to wear bright red jackets (read: targets) while in the field.
Some of the founding fathers even trained with ninja personally, and their wisdom on such things as the human capacity for connivery can be found in documents such as Federalist 10 and the Constitution of the United States. The watermelon was first eaten as part of an elaborate yet highly secret ceremony of thanks held in the original White House, in which the members of the first Continental Army promised each year to devour a watermelon–dark and unassuming, yet full of delicious goodness–in thanks, and in remembrance of the lessons they had learned: only the ninja’s path leads to freedom. (Also, to terrifying, painful death.)
For this recipe you will need:
Watermelon, (perfectly ripe)
Sword(s)
Stealth, Cunning
Method:
Place melon on ritual slaughtering surface. It may try to escape. Be ready. Destroy with katana. Devour with hands.
*fact: the internet is full of lies.
** You may find it hard to believe that ninja roamed the earth bestowing their wisdom on nascent societies, but it happened to the Irish, too.
