Cranberry WMD
Why settle for a merely attractive smear of fruit on a cracker when you could indulge all your senses with thick squares of this truly adhesive cranberry and nut fancy? Here is Mimi’s really tart tart, like you will find in no mart. Ninja art will smart from the cruel assault this dessert makes upon agility, nay, the ability to eat another bite; but once sated, you realize this tart is a tort – not only on you, but all around you. Delight not merely in aiming each colorful bite outward as well as inward (see example below!); know also, the reticent part of you that enjoys gluttony, a good belch, indolence and even somnolence can bring you to a deeper awareness: this tart has been known to confer that hallmark of the highest culinary art, that awful, propulsive antidote to sloth, that ultimate weapon of stealth and surprise, good for the heart: the wherewithal for a redolant fart. Truly, fortunately-timed flatulance could be the skill for the kill that perfects a warrior’s aspiration for glory on the field of combat. Capture the thrill, tame it, and defy gravity in proper Ninja manner.
This recipe is scaled to fill one jelly roll pan of about 200 square inches (e.g., 12×17), or two 10″ spring-form tart pans. Made with whole cranberries so there’s no need to crush them first [however, if you seriously yearn for pedal stimulation, skip the food processor and mush the nut crust mixture below with bare feet].
Ingredients
For the Crust
10 oz finely chopped walnuts or almonds
1/2 lb (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1/3 cup sugar
3 cups flour
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
For the Cranberry Filling
2 envelopes softened gelatin in 1/2 cup cold water
2 bags fresh cranberries (@4 cups per bag)*
2 cups sugar
1 cup currant jelly (preferably red but black is easier to find and will work)
*This filling can be made with other fruits but the amount of sugar may need to be adjusted.
Method
For the Crust
Mix together all ingredients (pulse in food processor) until well blended. Butter the pan, then press the mixture into it (divide mixture first if multiple pans). Chill for 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 and bake until golden brown, about 15-20 minutes.
For the Cranberry Filling
In saucepan, combine currant jelly and sugar, cook until sugar is dissolved. Add cranberries, cook 5-10 minutes over low heat, let cool slightly and stir in gelatin. Cool thoroughly to room temperature, then pour into crust. Chill.
Finale: the eating
Wherein sagacious cautionary advice is given (reader discretion advised):
This tart may be cut into squares or served whole; whipped cream makes a fine topping. Best chewed with the mouth closed to avoid the “paint-ball effect” on the rest of the room.
Queasy Naught