Food for Ninjas

Why settle for a merely attractive smear of fruit on a cracker when you could indulge all your senses with thick squares of this truly adhesive cranberry and nut fancy? Here is Mimi’s really tart tart, like you will find in no mart. Ninja art will smart from the cruel assault this dessert makes upon agility, nay, the ability to eat another bite; but once sated, you realize this tart is a tort – not only on you, but all around you. Delight not merely in aiming each colorful bite outward as well as inward (see example below!); know also, the reticent part of you that enjoys gluttony, a good belch, indolence and even somnolence can bring you to a deeper awareness: this tart has been known to confer that hallmark of the highest culinary art, that awful, propulsive antidote to sloth, that ultimate weapon of stealth and surprise, good for the heart: the wherewithal for a redolant fart. Truly, fortunately-timed flatulance could be the skill for the kill that perfects a warrior’s aspiration for glory on the field of combat. Capture the thrill, tame it, and defy gravity in proper Ninja manner.

This recipe is scaled to fill one jelly roll pan of about 200 square inches (e.g., 12×17), or two 10″ spring-form tart pans. Made with whole cranberries so there’s no need to crush them first [however, if you seriously yearn for pedal stimulation, skip the food processor and mush the nut crust mixture below with bare feet].

Ingredients

For the Crust

10 oz finely chopped walnuts or almonds
1/2 lb (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1/3 cup sugar
3 cups flour
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract

For the Cranberry Filling

2 envelopes softened gelatin in 1/2 cup cold water
2 bags fresh cranberries (@4 cups per bag)*
2 cups sugar
1 cup currant jelly (preferably red but black is easier to find and will work)

*This filling can be made with other fruits but the amount of sugar may need to be adjusted.

Method

For the Crust

Mix together all ingredients (pulse in food processor) until well blended. Butter the pan, then press the mixture into it (divide mixture first if multiple pans). Chill for 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 and bake until golden brown, about 15-20 minutes.

For the Cranberry Filling

In saucepan, combine currant jelly and sugar, cook until sugar is dissolved. Add cranberries, cook 5-10 minutes over low heat, let cool slightly and stir in gelatin. Cool thoroughly to room temperature, then pour into crust. Chill.

Finale: the eating

Wherein sagacious cautionary advice is given (reader discretion advised):

This tart may be cut into squares or served whole; whipped cream makes a fine topping. Best chewed with the mouth closed to avoid the “paint-ball effect” on the rest of the room.

Queasy Naught

Tofu as Fish, Swimming in a Saffron Sea

This harmonious dish need not resort to Judo to make its point. Instead, it employs subtlety and intrigue with a hint of the exotic to entice its desciples. A puzzle box, beguiling in its complexity, its simplicity becomes clear to those who apply themselves.

Ingredients:

Peanut Oil
1 box Extra Firm Tofu
2 Bell Peppers of your favorite color
3 TBSP Soy Sauce
1 TBSP Brown Sugar (optional)
3 cloves garlic
1/3 cup water
1 Can Coconut Milk
Two Limes
Saffron Rice (you can purchase basmati rice pre-seasoned with saffron and tumeric or make your own)

Method:

Set two cups of water and 1/2 cup (half the can) of coconut milk to boil. Add the saffron rice, stir once, then reduce heat and cover. Cook for 25 minutes, until rice is fluffy. Add a squirt of lime juice and stir before serving.

Drain and slice the tofu in to 1/4 inch steaks. Heat the peanut oil in a non-stick pan and add the tofu. Resist the urge to touch it for 2-3 minutes, at which point the tofu will have browned on the bottom. Have patience, grasshopper. Well browned tofu will release from the bottom of the pan, while partially cooked will stick when you try to flip it. Brown the tofu on all sides.

While the tofu is cooking, core and slice two bell peppers and prepare the sauce. Combine soy sauce, brown sugar, water, and garlic. Add the peppers and the sauce to the tofu and stir. Finally, add the remaining coconut milk and the juice of one lime. If the milk is too thick, you may increase the water up to 1 cup. Reduce the sauce, but take care not to overcook the peppers.

Place the tofu on the bed of rice and serve.

This is the ronin of sauces: a masterless warrior in plain dress who wanders the land in search of hoodlum, inferior tomato sauces to gracefully decapitate. And, let’s not lie: those crappy, second rate canned sauces had it coming. For that matter, so does any other dish that’s trying to convince you it’s the best thing in town. This sauce will judo your meal preferences so hard and fast you’ll swear you never even saw it move. Yeah, that’s right. The secret’s in the simplicity.

Ingredients

8 ripe tomatoes (I used a mix of plum and roma), diced
1 red onion, finely chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1-2 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
1 bunch of basil leaves, finely chopped (you want about half a cup chopped)
1 glug of olive oil
1 pat of butter
Red pepper flakes (optional)
Salt and pepper (to taste)

Method

Spoon Ship in Tomato Sea

Put a saucepan on medium heat. Toss in your glug of olive oil and your pat of butter. Let the butter start to melt; when it just begins to foam, throw in your garlic and stir for a minute. If butter or garlic looks like it’s going to brown or burn, turn down your heat. Toss in the onions and a good grind of salt and stir several minutes until they are just translucent. Add your tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, about a third of the basil, and the red pepper flakes (if using). Give a good grind of salt and pepper, stir and reduce the heat to a simmer. Allow the tomatoes to release their juices, and then cook down into a nice, colorful sauce—about 10 minutes. Right before serving, toss in the remaining basil and adjust salt and pepper to taste. Serve over pasta, and destroy.