Food for Ninjas

While it cannot be denied that the shuricado is a whirlwind of simplicity and kickass, and it is true that revenge is sweet, and goes well with a side of ice cream, there are times when the ninja requires a less ephemeral solution. Not to put too fine a point on it: there are times when a ninja needs to eat lunch.

 This little miracle of a dish will help you do just that: Feta cheese reminiscent of snowfall blankets summer fruits nestled in grains and seasoned with the peppery flavor of fresh basil. If you are a devotee of the bento tradition in search of a well packed meal, we believe that this self contained dish, whose flavors intensify with time, will leave you fulfilled and ready to face the oncoming foe.  

You will need:

1 cup Bulgar or Quinoa (or whichever grain the peasants are paying you in these days)
2 cups Water 
5 Fresh Tomatoes
Salt

1 Onion
Olive Oil
Cooking wine (red for preference)

3 peppers the color of your true love’s heart 

One cup fresh basil, corsely chopped
3 cloves garlic, diced
Feta cheese 

Glass baking dish. 

First:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Seed and chop the tomatoes. Sprinkle with salt, and let them stand for about 15 minutes in a colander to drain. 

Next:

Add the bulgar to the water, and simmer, covered, for 15 minutes until cooked through. 

Meanwhile:

Cut the peppers in half lengthwise, removing the seeds and veins. If you wish, you can prepare the peppers by simmering them gently in water until they are tender, but not too soft. Chop the onion and saute in the olive oil until glassy. Add a splash of wine and stir briefly to deglaze the pan. Transfer the onions to the glass dish and arrange the peppers on top. Place in the oven and bake until the stuffing is ready. This will allow the onions to flavor the peppers. 

Saute the garlic in more olive oil to release its aroma. Transfer the cooked bulgar to the pan and toss in the tomatoes. Cook, stirring frequently, until the tomatoes are heated through and begin to cook down. Add the fresh basil and heat until wilted, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and transfer the stuffing to the peppers. If you have not precooked the peppers, bake the entire dish at 350 for 45 minutes. Sprinkle with feta cheese and place in the oven to broil, about 3 minutes. 

Serve, or save for a time when you aren’t actively engaged with the enemy.

Let’s face it: In our current economic environment, even ninjas need to make every penny count. Enter the enigmatic Artichoke. The history of this flower remains shrouded in the clouds of time. It emerges only when societies steeped in moral torpitude have required great acts in darkened corners. Not for the reckless ronin, the Artichoke embodies complex beauty. The lessons it teaches are those of patience, caution, and careful planning. The Artichoke’s power is duel: Like a rose, the artichoke’s weapon is its thorns. Like a true ninja, its secret is its heart. 

Ingredients:

1 artichoke
Pat of butter

Tools:
Sturdy gloves
Scissors, or the nearest sharp knife.
   . . . You do have one handy, right? 

Method:

Remove the thorns from the tips of the leaves.

Steam the artichoke. The resourceful ninja may construct a simple steamer using a pot with a lid and a colander. Fill the pot with water. Place the artichoke in the colander, then place the colander in the pot, but don’t allow the artichoke to become submerged. Place the lid over the colander to prevent steam from escaping. Bring the water to a boil, and allow the artichoke to steam. Perform 15 sun salutations.

Peal the leaves of the artichoke off one by one, dipping the base into butter before pulling the meat off with your teeth. Discard the leaves, as you would discard the hopes of your defeated foes. 

The patient ninja will be rewarded with the artichoke’s heart, which may be eaten whole.

There was a time not so long ago when there was only one kind of egg-nog: a.k.a. “Yuletide Yuck,” from the dairy case of the local supermarket. Now in fairness to the supermarkets they sell a successful, bland Christmas product for successful, bland Christmas shoppers responding to the inescapable stimulus of successful, bland Christmas muzak. Ninjas, however, have better taste! What’s more, there’s no reason to restrict this delectation to Christmas-time; there’s nothing yuletide-specific about the “flip” style of mixed drink with egg and spices, whether with or without cream, and the widespread consumption of frothed-milk coffee drinks in recent years has brought greater appreciation for what milk can contribute to any blended beverage. Here then, with a nod to J.M. , is a good basic egg-nog that’s appropriate in any season. While this is not particularly strong in alcohol content, don’t be lulled by the incredibly smooth, soft taste into thinking there is none.

Ingredients

2 eggs (whole)

1/2 tsp nutmeg (fresh grated if available)

2 oz brandy

2 oz rum (spiced style)

6 oz milk (whole not skimmed)

4 oz cream (heavy/whipping)

Method

Makes two servings. In a blender or mixing bowl, beat the eggs for one minute (medium speed), then blend in the sugar for one minute, then add other ingredients and barely combine, then chill thoroughly (give the flavors time to blend before drinking). Serve in chilled glasses/cups (no ice) with additional nutmeg grated on top. Once familiar with this superlative mix you will want to experiment with other alcoholic beverages, such as all-brandy, or bourbon instead of the rum, adjusting the amount of sugar and spices to taste.

Fellow Ninjas, sharpen those Ronco Knives for some serious slicing of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Can it possibly be a coincidence that this recipe is being posted on the Feast Day of Crispin, patron saint of Cobblers? Clearly the universe is unfolding as it should and the interconnectedness of all things is revealed in this recipe. The simple is complex; the complex, simple. The true Zen knows that they who tell do not know; they who know do not tell. So I am secure in the knowledge that each warrior will discover too late the stealth nature of this weapon that will destroy each of you with your own weight. Be in the present moment.

RECIPE

Enough Apples to fill 8 inch square pan
1/2 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 cup White Sugar
1/2 cup Oatmeal
1/2 cup Flour
1/3 cup Butter
3/4 teaspoon Cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon Nutmeg

METHOD

Go Apple Picking at an orchard of your choice (Macintosh Apples preferred, but we won’t be PC about this)

Peel, if desired, and slice sufficient apples to fill an 8 inch Square Pan

Arrange them in an esthetically pleasing pattern.

Mix the rest of the ingredients with pastry blender until crumbly

Top apples with crisp mixture

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until apples are tender, but not mushy.

Let cool for a while. Serve warm topped with ice cream. The true warrior may prefer it cold the next morning at breakfast. With proper restraint the recipe will nourish both the spirit and body of one warrior a couple of days, unless you choose to share with a fellow Ninja who has approached you with an appropriately hand crafted ceramic Begging Bowl. Be wary of imitations, cheap imports and impostors.

Zenth Degree of YUM

While there have been many valiant efforts put forwards, nothing compares to the simplicity of the Shuricado: one part delicious, one part shuriken. This recipe is a whirlwind of simplicity and kickass.

Ingredients

1 perfectly ripe avocado
1/4 tsp. ground cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp. ground cumin
1 1/4 tsp lemon juice (lime works beautifully here, too)
1 tsp. olive oil
Sea salt, to taste

Method

Slice avocado and arrange like beautiful, perfect shuriken. Whisk ground cumin and cayenne pepper in small container with olive oil, lemon juice, and salt. Taste, and adjust if necessary. Drizzle avocado poetically with tangy dressing. Eat as-is for a light appetizer, or serve on top of lettuce with scallions and mandarin oranges as part of a delightful salad. Artfully devour.

**Since this recipe is so simple, make sure you have a good avocado, or its flaws, like a poorly executed death strike, will be unavoidably obvious.

Except for this one, based on the much sought after water of life.  It will clear your senses and loosen your limbs, freeing you from the day (or night) that came before.  Use with care, and let the master wield the tool and not the tool the master.

With style.

Ingredients

3 T single-malt scotch
1 1/2 t lemon juice
1 1/2 t corn syrup or honey
1/2 C boiling water
1-3 whole cloves
1 slice lemon or cinnamon stick (opt.)

Method

Combine the first three ingredients in appropriately aristocratic glassware, and blend until smooth.  Add boiling water and cloves and stir.  Garnish with a slice of lemon or cinnamon stick.  Serves one, and who really needs anyone else?

Why settle for a merely attractive smear of fruit on a cracker when you could indulge all your senses with thick squares of this truly adhesive cranberry and nut fancy? Here is Mimi’s really tart tart, like you will find in no mart. Ninja art will smart from the cruel assault this dessert makes upon agility, nay, the ability to eat another bite; but once sated, you realize this tart is a tort – not only on you, but all around you. Delight not merely in aiming each colorful bite outward as well as inward (see example below!); know also, the reticent part of you that enjoys gluttony, a good belch, indolence and even somnolence can bring you to a deeper awareness: this tart has been known to confer that hallmark of the highest culinary art, that awful, propulsive antidote to sloth, that ultimate weapon of stealth and surprise, good for the heart: the wherewithal for a redolant fart. Truly, fortunately-timed flatulance could be the skill for the kill that perfects a warrior’s aspiration for glory on the field of combat. Capture the thrill, tame it, and defy gravity in proper Ninja manner.

This recipe is scaled to fill one jelly roll pan of about 200 square inches (e.g., 12×17), or two 10″ spring-form tart pans. Made with whole cranberries so there’s no need to crush them first [however, if you seriously yearn for pedal stimulation, skip the food processor and mush the nut crust mixture below with bare feet].

Ingredients

For the Crust

10 oz finely chopped walnuts or almonds
1/2 lb (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1/3 cup sugar
3 cups flour
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract

For the Cranberry Filling

2 envelopes softened gelatin in 1/2 cup cold water
2 bags fresh cranberries (@4 cups per bag)*
2 cups sugar
1 cup currant jelly (preferably red but black is easier to find and will work)

*This filling can be made with other fruits but the amount of sugar may need to be adjusted.

Method

For the Crust

Mix together all ingredients (pulse in food processor) until well blended. Butter the pan, then press the mixture into it (divide mixture first if multiple pans). Chill for 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 and bake until golden brown, about 15-20 minutes.

For the Cranberry Filling

In saucepan, combine currant jelly and sugar, cook until sugar is dissolved. Add cranberries, cook 5-10 minutes over low heat, let cool slightly and stir in gelatin. Cool thoroughly to room temperature, then pour into crust. Chill.

Finale: the eating

Wherein sagacious cautionary advice is given (reader discretion advised):

This tart may be cut into squares or served whole; whipped cream makes a fine topping. Best chewed with the mouth closed to avoid the “paint-ball effect” on the rest of the room.

Queasy Naught

Tofu as Fish, Swimming in a Saffron Sea

This harmonious dish need not resort to Judo to make its point. Instead, it employs subtlety and intrigue with a hint of the exotic to entice its desciples. A puzzle box, beguiling in its complexity, its simplicity becomes clear to those who apply themselves.

Ingredients:

Peanut Oil
1 box Extra Firm Tofu
2 Bell Peppers of your favorite color
3 TBSP Soy Sauce
1 TBSP Brown Sugar (optional)
3 cloves garlic
1/3 cup water
1 Can Coconut Milk
Two Limes
Saffron Rice (you can purchase basmati rice pre-seasoned with saffron and tumeric or make your own)

Method:

Set two cups of water and 1/2 cup (half the can) of coconut milk to boil. Add the saffron rice, stir once, then reduce heat and cover. Cook for 25 minutes, until rice is fluffy. Add a squirt of lime juice and stir before serving.

Drain and slice the tofu in to 1/4 inch steaks. Heat the peanut oil in a non-stick pan and add the tofu. Resist the urge to touch it for 2-3 minutes, at which point the tofu will have browned on the bottom. Have patience, grasshopper. Well browned tofu will release from the bottom of the pan, while partially cooked will stick when you try to flip it. Brown the tofu on all sides.

While the tofu is cooking, core and slice two bell peppers and prepare the sauce. Combine soy sauce, brown sugar, water, and garlic. Add the peppers and the sauce to the tofu and stir. Finally, add the remaining coconut milk and the juice of one lime. If the milk is too thick, you may increase the water up to 1 cup. Reduce the sauce, but take care not to overcook the peppers.

Place the tofu on the bed of rice and serve.

This is the ronin of sauces: a masterless warrior in plain dress who wanders the land in search of hoodlum, inferior tomato sauces to gracefully decapitate. And, let’s not lie: those crappy, second rate canned sauces had it coming. For that matter, so does any other dish that’s trying to convince you it’s the best thing in town. This sauce will judo your meal preferences so hard and fast you’ll swear you never even saw it move. Yeah, that’s right. The secret’s in the simplicity.

Ingredients

8 ripe tomatoes (I used a mix of plum and roma), diced
1 red onion, finely chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1-2 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
1 bunch of basil leaves, finely chopped (you want about half a cup chopped)
1 glug of olive oil
1 pat of butter
Red pepper flakes (optional)
Salt and pepper (to taste)

Method

Spoon Ship in Tomato Sea

Put a saucepan on medium heat. Toss in your glug of olive oil and your pat of butter. Let the butter start to melt; when it just begins to foam, throw in your garlic and stir for a minute. If butter or garlic looks like it’s going to brown or burn, turn down your heat. Toss in the onions and a good grind of salt and stir several minutes until they are just translucent. Add your tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, about a third of the basil, and the red pepper flakes (if using). Give a good grind of salt and pepper, stir and reduce the heat to a simmer. Allow the tomatoes to release their juices, and then cook down into a nice, colorful sauce—about 10 minutes. Right before serving, toss in the remaining basil and adjust salt and pepper to taste. Serve over pasta, and destroy.