Food for Ninjas

Epicurious George has, as always, a point: the Orange is a delightful treat for taste buds skirting the edge of sleep. And without eyes in the back of its head, it is easy prey for the sluggish ninja. However, for those seeking a more impressive medium with which to display their skill, might we recommend a collaboration? 

For this recipe you will need to subdue:

2 pears
1/2 watermelon
1/2 cantaloupe
1 cucumber
1 fistful Basil 

With:

Two knives
Deadly Speed

Chop, scoop, and dice your way through your foe. Combine pleasingly, and perhaps rub a little lemon juice into the wounds. Enjoy.

The orange has always had trouble escaping its predators. While fortunate news for some (sloths, lemons) this is trivial news for ninjas. Take Jeremy, the sheen, well-manicured orange below. Unlucky for him, he is bookended between two unedibles on the color wheel (Red and Yellow) and lacks eyes in the back of his head (sigh).

Little does Jeremy know...

Enter Ninja. Hour Midnight (that’s two times six, Soya). Taste buds around the world—dry, prodding their fading memories of the younger day. The ninja’s glance, disregarding the cowardice of Yellow, fraught and bored with the stains of Red, turns its attention centerward.

The ninjas taste buds—perking from their post-dessert, quasi-hibernation—delight.

Ingredients

Orange

Method

1) Extricate orange from colorful sleeve. (Perform this act just as if you were removing a still-beating heart from the less useful ribcage.)

Ah, more useful now!

2) Create more useful items, such as a spider or umbrella.

Ferocious spider, Daunting umbrella

Time

Midnight. (Because Oranges taste best at midnight.)

This Ninja rite of Spring is the mint yulep to die for (or as the case may be, from). Use a traditional corn-mash (Kentucky-style) bourbon and a peppermint variety of fresh mint (there are many different mints growing out there). Yulep, by the way, is sometimes spelled with a “j” and (even worse!) pronounced that way by someone who doesn’t have any yelp left in him. Be a Yelper!

First, prepare a pitcher of mint sugar syrup – this can be done days in advance: in a heavy saucepan, mix roughly equal quantities of sugar and water, then keep on adding more sugar until no more will dissolve (about half again as much sugar as used initially should do it). May be heated to a boil, but do not scorch or caramelize. The hot syrup should be perfectly translucent; add more water only if the last grains of sugar refuse to dissolve. Now, take off the stove and add a bunch of mint (roughly equal in volume, loosely packed, to the quantity of sugar). The mint will wilt in the hot syrup. Let it steep while the syrup cools. After an hour or so remove the wilted mint pieces and chill the (now yellow-green) syrup in the refrigerator. When cold add one unwilted sprig of mint to float in the syrup as decoration. Try not to use warm syrup to make yuleps as this melts too much ice which overly dilutes the drink.

Second, prepare a batch of finely-crushed ice – not smoothie-fine but gravelly. If feasible, stockpile ample crushed ice in the freezer in advance; you will need a lot of this: around one cup of ice per yulep. An old-style blender or ice crusher does a nice job; the traditional way (place chunks of solid ice in a canvas bag and pound with a wood or rubber mallet) also works well, particularly in the field.

Third, prepare each yulep, for immediate consumption. Use a metal cup if available, or glass, not plastic and never paper (which does not sweat properly). The traditional yulep cup is made of silver; a pewter mug or Jefferson cups also will do. Per yulep: start with one oz. syrup and two oz. bourbon, then add one cup crushed ice, insert a short sprig of mint for decoration, round off the top of the cup with more ice, and add a dash of bourbon on top for flavor (aka ‘kick’).

Best drunk in hot, humid weather at a races tailgate party when the yulep cup is dripping wet with sweat. Next best if consumed while watching the Derby Day action at Churchill Downs on TV. For proper Ninja preparedness, time so the second round is served at the bugle call to Post, with refills in hand before They’re Off. Excellent with Virginia ham biscuits or beef chili.

The ninja needs to eat lunch, it is true. Sometimes, however, the ninja’s hunger is not sated by a single heart-shaped dish. Occasionally the ninja needs to destroy lunch like a cocky warlord’s errant army of undisciplined henchmen. That’s what this dish brings to mind: the broken spears and decapitated foes of one’s enemy, personified by delicate spring asparagus, vanquished tofu, defeated spinach, and charmingly golden, pan-fried chickpeas, all prostrate to the awesome power of lemon.

Ah, lemon! What fruit could be more beautiful, striking, or useful? Consider its glorious flavor, clean and bright. Consider its arresting yellow color, its beautiful zest. Consider its efficacy as a weapon: used to stun an opponent when deployed as a projectile, squirted into the frantic eye of a foe, or most devious, employed as that silent agent that finds all hidden paper-cuts, lurking unnoticed, on an enemy hand. Such is the power of the lemon, and such is the power of this dish.

Ingredients

1 lemon, juiced and zested
1 can of chickpeas, rinsed and drained
1/2 bunch of asparagus, cut into 1 inch sections
1 package of tofu (medium or firm), drained, cut into delectable morsels
1 medium onion, or 2 shallots, diced
1 handful of baby spinach, roughly chopped as if by swords
1 generous glug of olive oil

Method

Artfully glug the olive oil into a waiting skillet, and add the tofu. cook until it has heated through, and begun to color. Remove from pan and set aside. In the same skillet, add the onions and your chickpeas and cook for several minutes until both have started to caramelize and turn delightfully golden. Add your asparagus. Stir occasionally so that nothing burns, and add a little oil if things begin to stick. As soon as your asparagus have cooked through (a few to several minutes, depending on how thick they are) turn off the heat and add your patiently waiting tofu and the baby spinach. Do not fear: it will surrender to the heat of the pan. Once it has wilted, add the lemon zest and juice. Stir, then salt to taste.

Serve with your favorite peasant-tribute grain. This serves 2 ravenously hungry ninja, or up to 4 henchmen.

*Adapted for asparagus from the always ninjarific food blog, 101cookbooks by Heidi Swanson.

While it cannot be denied that the shuricado is a whirlwind of simplicity and kickass, and it is true that revenge is sweet, and goes well with a side of ice cream, there are times when the ninja requires a less ephemeral solution. Not to put too fine a point on it: there are times when a ninja needs to eat lunch.

 This little miracle of a dish will help you do just that: Feta cheese reminiscent of snowfall blankets summer fruits nestled in grains and seasoned with the peppery flavor of fresh basil. If you are a devotee of the bento tradition in search of a well packed meal, we believe that this self contained dish, whose flavors intensify with time, will leave you fulfilled and ready to face the oncoming foe.  

You will need:

1 cup Bulgar or Quinoa (or whichever grain the peasants are paying you in these days)
2 cups Water 
5 Fresh Tomatoes
Salt

1 Onion
Olive Oil
Cooking wine (red for preference)

3 peppers the color of your true love’s heart 

One cup fresh basil, corsely chopped
3 cloves garlic, diced
Feta cheese 

Glass baking dish. 

First:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Seed and chop the tomatoes. Sprinkle with salt, and let them stand for about 15 minutes in a colander to drain. 

Next:

Add the bulgar to the water, and simmer, covered, for 15 minutes until cooked through. 

Meanwhile:

Cut the peppers in half lengthwise, removing the seeds and veins. If you wish, you can prepare the peppers by simmering them gently in water until they are tender, but not too soft. Chop the onion and saute in the olive oil until glassy. Add a splash of wine and stir briefly to deglaze the pan. Transfer the onions to the glass dish and arrange the peppers on top. Place in the oven and bake until the stuffing is ready. This will allow the onions to flavor the peppers. 

Saute the garlic in more olive oil to release its aroma. Transfer the cooked bulgar to the pan and toss in the tomatoes. Cook, stirring frequently, until the tomatoes are heated through and begin to cook down. Add the fresh basil and heat until wilted, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and transfer the stuffing to the peppers. If you have not precooked the peppers, bake the entire dish at 350 for 45 minutes. Sprinkle with feta cheese and place in the oven to broil, about 3 minutes. 

Serve, or save for a time when you aren’t actively engaged with the enemy.

Let’s face it: In our current economic environment, even ninjas need to make every penny count. Enter the enigmatic Artichoke. The history of this flower remains shrouded in the clouds of time. It emerges only when societies steeped in moral torpitude have required great acts in darkened corners. Not for the reckless ronin, the Artichoke embodies complex beauty. The lessons it teaches are those of patience, caution, and careful planning. The Artichoke’s power is duel: Like a rose, the artichoke’s weapon is its thorns. Like a true ninja, its secret is its heart. 

Ingredients:

1 artichoke
Pat of butter

Tools:
Sturdy gloves
Scissors, or the nearest sharp knife.
   . . . You do have one handy, right? 

Method:

Remove the thorns from the tips of the leaves.

Steam the artichoke. The resourceful ninja may construct a simple steamer using a pot with a lid and a colander. Fill the pot with water. Place the artichoke in the colander, then place the colander in the pot, but don’t allow the artichoke to become submerged. Place the lid over the colander to prevent steam from escaping. Bring the water to a boil, and allow the artichoke to steam. Perform 15 sun salutations.

Peal the leaves of the artichoke off one by one, dipping the base into butter before pulling the meat off with your teeth. Discard the leaves, as you would discard the hopes of your defeated foes. 

The patient ninja will be rewarded with the artichoke’s heart, which may be eaten whole.

There was a time not so long ago when there was only one kind of egg-nog: a.k.a. “Yuletide Yuck,” from the dairy case of the local supermarket. Now in fairness to the supermarkets they sell a successful, bland Christmas product for successful, bland Christmas shoppers responding to the inescapable stimulus of successful, bland Christmas muzak. Ninjas, however, have better taste! What’s more, there’s no reason to restrict this delectation to Christmas-time; there’s nothing yuletide-specific about the “flip” style of mixed drink with egg and spices, whether with or without cream, and the widespread consumption of frothed-milk coffee drinks in recent years has brought greater appreciation for what milk can contribute to any blended beverage. Here then, with a nod to J.M. , is a good basic egg-nog that’s appropriate in any season. While this is not particularly strong in alcohol content, don’t be lulled by the incredibly smooth, soft taste into thinking there is none.

Ingredients

2 eggs (whole)

1/2 tsp nutmeg (fresh grated if available)

2 oz brandy

2 oz rum (spiced style)

6 oz milk (whole not skimmed)

4 oz cream (heavy/whipping)

Method

Makes two servings. In a blender or mixing bowl, beat the eggs for one minute (medium speed), then blend in the sugar for one minute, then add other ingredients and barely combine, then chill thoroughly (give the flavors time to blend before drinking). Serve in chilled glasses/cups (no ice) with additional nutmeg grated on top. Once familiar with this superlative mix you will want to experiment with other alcoholic beverages, such as all-brandy, or bourbon instead of the rum, adjusting the amount of sugar and spices to taste.

Fellow Ninjas, sharpen those Ronco Knives for some serious slicing of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Can it possibly be a coincidence that this recipe is being posted on the Feast Day of Crispin, patron saint of Cobblers? Clearly the universe is unfolding as it should and the interconnectedness of all things is revealed in this recipe. The simple is complex; the complex, simple. The true Zen knows that they who tell do not know; they who know do not tell. So I am secure in the knowledge that each warrior will discover too late the stealth nature of this weapon that will destroy each of you with your own weight. Be in the present moment.

RECIPE

Enough Apples to fill 8 inch square pan
1/2 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 cup White Sugar
1/2 cup Oatmeal
1/2 cup Flour
1/3 cup Butter
3/4 teaspoon Cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon Nutmeg

METHOD

Go Apple Picking at an orchard of your choice (Macintosh Apples preferred, but we won’t be PC about this)

Peel, if desired, and slice sufficient apples to fill an 8 inch Square Pan

Arrange them in an esthetically pleasing pattern.

Mix the rest of the ingredients with pastry blender until crumbly

Top apples with crisp mixture

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until apples are tender, but not mushy.

Let cool for a while. Serve warm topped with ice cream. The true warrior may prefer it cold the next morning at breakfast. With proper restraint the recipe will nourish both the spirit and body of one warrior a couple of days, unless you choose to share with a fellow Ninja who has approached you with an appropriately hand crafted ceramic Begging Bowl. Be wary of imitations, cheap imports and impostors.

Zenth Degree of YUM

While there have been many valiant efforts put forwards, nothing compares to the simplicity of the Shuricado: one part delicious, one part shuriken. This recipe is a whirlwind of simplicity and kickass.

Ingredients

1 perfectly ripe avocado
1/4 tsp. ground cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp. ground cumin
1 1/4 tsp lemon juice (lime works beautifully here, too)
1 tsp. olive oil
Sea salt, to taste

Method

Slice avocado and arrange like beautiful, perfect shuriken. Whisk ground cumin and cayenne pepper in small container with olive oil, lemon juice, and salt. Taste, and adjust if necessary. Drizzle avocado poetically with tangy dressing. Eat as-is for a light appetizer, or serve on top of lettuce with scallions and mandarin oranges as part of a delightful salad. Artfully devour.

**Since this recipe is so simple, make sure you have a good avocado, or its flaws, like a poorly executed death strike, will be unavoidably obvious.

Except for this one, based on the much sought after water of life.  It will clear your senses and loosen your limbs, freeing you from the day (or night) that came before.  Use with care, and let the master wield the tool and not the tool the master.

With style.

Ingredients

3 T single-malt scotch
1 1/2 t lemon juice
1 1/2 t corn syrup or honey
1/2 C boiling water
1-3 whole cloves
1 slice lemon or cinnamon stick (opt.)

Method

Combine the first three ingredients in appropriately aristocratic glassware, and blend until smooth.  Add boiling water and cloves and stir.  Garnish with a slice of lemon or cinnamon stick.  Serves one, and who really needs anyone else?